


alright.

by aprilcotdream



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Growing Up, M/M, Metaphors, Mutual Pining, Songfic, but they end up together dont worry, theyre both Very anxious and insecure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28455927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprilcotdream/pseuds/aprilcotdream
Summary: Even though Hansol couldn't have Seungkwan close to him anymore, even though he had to watch Seungkwan from afar, he was fine. Glittering gold from Seungkwan's stardust was enough for him to smile, anyway.Hansol could do this again for an another lifetime, as long as Seungkwan was there, with him.or: Hansol and Seungkwan's story throughout the years.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 10
Kudos: 61





	alright.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seungkwansupremacy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungkwansupremacy/gifts).



> Based on [Seungkwan's Ideal Cut solo song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lIk14MczWU&ab_channel=CARATLAND%EC%BA%90%EB%9F%BF%EB%9E%9C%EB%93%9C)

_All the precious memories that are carved within me_

_Through this song that I'm letting you listen to_

In the dark of the night, Vernon plugs in his headphone. It's late, and he has a schedule tomorrow, but sleep can wait.

Seungkwan's voice drips in his ears, sweet as honey. He close his eyes. Memories comes to his mind in flashbacks.

* * *

_Even when they said it'll get better_

_It doesn't get better._

In the silence hum of darkness, sixteen-year-old Hansol watched sixteen-year-and-a-month-old Seungkwan cried.

It was their monthly evaluation day, and Seungkwan had done amazingly, his smooth voice beautiful and full with emotions. Hansol was so sure his friend would get a shiny A as always, yet the judge scrunched his nose and told him that his cheeks were too chubby, his legs were not slim enough, and if Seungkwan didn't lose another 3kg he might not even get a slim chance to debut.

Disgust bubbled in the base of Hansol's throat, and even though he had passed the evaluation, he felt the joy in his heart transforming into anger. His eyes nervously darted to Seungkwan, searching for any sign of him breaking down. Yet, he received the harsh comment with a smile, like professionals always do, politely thanking the judge and stepping down from the stage. He laughed, and laughed after that, eyes still sparkling like the entire universe.

When Seungkwan came back to their room, he was in broken fragments.

 _"I don't think I can fucking do this,"_ he said, diamond tears rolling down soft cheeks, _"this company is hell."_

Hansol nodded, one hand patting Seungkwan's back, fingertips trying to wipe the wetness that was dripping down to the older's clothes. He wasn't good with words, and so he tried to express his understanding through touches, a quiet agreement humming in the air.

 _"You know, I've tried my best to sing",_ sobbed Seungkwan, _"but all they care about is how fucking ugly I am."_ His voice cracked a little at that, and Hansol's heart split into two, silently.

" _But I think you are beautiful",_ Hansol said, voice barely more than a whisper, filled with sincerity, and something else indescribable.

Seungkwan abruptly pushed him away, tears still flowing down flushed cheeks. He stood up, closed the door with a _slam_ , and left Hansol with a million shattered questions, of _what had gone wrong._

They didn't talk about it.

They never talked about that night.

The following morning, and the mornings after that, in front of the camera, Seungkwan acted like nothing had ever happened, sticking to Hansol way more than usual, faux sweetness simmering in the air. And when red dusk bleed into soft daylight, when the lens weren't pointing at them anymore, Seungkwan didn't talk to him, or acknowledge him at all. Like this was an alien in the skin of his old friend.

He couldn't understand, couldn't comprehend what had gone wrong.

Because, truthfully, Seungkwan was simply more beautiful than any smooth-faced, silk-voiced girl he had ever seen.

Hansol's heart ached, and ached, longing for Seungkwan, his slight touches, his little quirks. Yet Seungkwan drifted, and drifted, further away from his arms, from this universe.

Time passed, and he realized the blooming yearn burning in his mind, the tender crave buzzing in his hands. The realization came slowly, painfully, and he laughed, bitterly, because his Seungkwan was gone. They hadn't talked in person for months, since that incident, and Hansol smiled, tiredly, watching his _friend_ slipping away, like a distant dream.

They said first love was the most beautiful, yet they didn't tell him how painful it was.

_Am I becoming insensible?_

Time passed, and he got used to it.

Seungkwan's hand on his body didn't feel scorching anymore, Seungkwan's smile wasn't dazzling anymore, and the music blasting in his ears everyday dulled into lifeless hum. But it was alright, because it helped him to mask his feelings a little bit better.

Love shouldn't feel embarrassing, but it is. Especially when you're in love with your friend, and his soft hands, bright eyes, glittering smile.

—

_At some point_

_Even the warm hand that you extended_

_I was sorry about even reaching out_

_Maybe I dislike myself for being like this_

They debuted together, as SEVENTEEN, and Hansol found everything easing into happier days. Seungkwan reached out to him, again, in person, and suddenly, practicing wasn't so tiring. Seungkwan was here, laughing at his jokes as if nothing happened, his smile bright and his eyes starry.

That was enough to make Hansol's pain a little bit less unbearable, but he still trembled, at the sight of Seungkwan being a little too close to other people. What if he slipped away, again? He couldn't bare that, couldn't stand living without Seungkwan's shimmering existence.

And so he felt himself still being miserable, even when Seungkwan was always around him, twinkling in happiness. _Maybe this is how love supposed to go,_ he thought, _maybe it's supposed to hurt._

Or maybe it was his fault, for liking Seungkwan a little too much. If he didn't reach out, if he didn't look at Seungkwan like he was the entire universe, perhaps the pain wouldn't come.

But he did, and now aches were throbbing in his ribcages, of wanting something _more._

Seungkwan's company was nice, still, it was not enough to satiate the burning hunger in the pit of Hansol's stomach.

Never enough, to ease the pain of Hansol's desires.

And he hated himself for that, for not feeling happiness brimming in his heart when Seungkwan slipped their hands together, fingers fitting perfectly, while broken pieces of love were still wandering in his mind.

—

_Push me away, push me away_

_Why are you getting further from me?_

_Just push me away instead_

_I'm afraid that the things inside me will be discovered_

_I want to protect them but it's still too hard_

In the stillness of early dawn, seventeen-year-and-six-month-old Hansol laughed, eyes radiant with happiness, at seventeen-year-and-seventh-month-old Seungkwan's jokes.

They were sharing the same bed again after months that night, Seungkwan on the left, Hansol on the right, and something akin to growing pains and tender intimacy between.

Talking were the only thing they did, words pouring out constantly until daylight. And in the quiet warmth of understanding, Hansol let his guards down, running his fingers through Seungkwan's hair, the way he would always do when they were just trainees.

It was a mistake.

Seungkwan jumped at the sudden touch, and stood up, abruptly.

" _Don't ever do this again,"_ he said, angrily, _"Don't fucking joke around like this."_

With a _slam,_ he got out of the room, and left Hansol with a million shattered throbs.

The afternoon after that, Seungkwan disappeared out of Hansol's sight. He didn't even bother to interact with Hansol on camera, and Hansol couldn't meet Seungkwan at the dorms, no matter how hard he tried. Like Seungkwan had tiptoed gracefully out of Hansol's reach, and melted into thin air.

They were preparing for a comeback, schedules were filling up their time like the way loneliness clogged Hansol's every sense. Days and days passed by in a blur of practices and practices, and Hansol felt himself spiralling into the abyss, without a hand reaching out to help.

The thing was, Hansol _knew_ , he knew it was his fault, for not being to able love quietly and softly, but he didn't even have the energy to hate himself, because he was _exhausted._

What a scary thing habits were. A slip of old instict, a moment of rusty physical memory, and all was ruined.

—

_I'm still too young_

_Perhaps I need more time to grow up_

_That's why I need you_

_I need you._

_I'm still a little too young,_ eighteen-year-old Hansol thought, _and that's why I still feel growing pains in my heart._

And maybe he was, a little too young, a little too naive for love.

Perhaps he need more time to grow, and perhaps he also needed someone wiser, someone older, someone like eighteen-year-and-a-month-old Seungkwan, with his little smile and soft hands, to guide him out of the darkness, to ease the uneasy twinge in his heart.

He needed Seungkwan, needed to stay with him, _forever_.

But Seungkwan had his own aches too, and so he clinged onto Mingyu - older, wiser, warm and caring Mingyu - like a lifeline, and never bothered to look back again.

It was supposed to be Seungkwan and Hansol, _together,_ until the end of times, and yet Hansol could feel himself being slowly pushed away, slowly forgotten, like he didn't exist, like the happy times were just little illusions, like the way Seungkwan had loved him before were just pathetic fantasies.

—

_Amongst my stories_

_All the wonderful and happy days_

_I'm trying to bring them back_

Hansol found himself staring at a picture of Seungkwan and himself, hanging lifelessly on the wall, once again. It was taken when they were still teenagers, fresh-faced and a little awkward, but _happy_ nonetheless. Seungkwan was wearing a beige cardigan, eyes more sparkly than the entire galaxy, cheeks pink and chubby, while Hansol was in a ridiculous knitted Christmas sweater - the one with reindeers and snowflakes all over. The drastic difference made Hansol chuckled, almost wanting to show it to Seungkwan, for them to laugh and reminiscence about the good old days, but then he _remembered._

His heart sank, deep in the pool of his own tear, in the pain of being unloved.

Those days seemed far and unreal, a distant dream he could only remember parts of. Little fragments of memories drifted in his mind, so close, yet he still wasn't able to grasp them, to enjoy the sweetness of youth again.

He laughed, quietly, to himself and at everything, and fell asleep, hands still holding the picture, close to his heart.

—

_All the precious memories that are carved within me_

_Through the song that I'm letting you listen to_

_We can sense each other_

_Through our moments together._

He wrote a song,

_Songs._

About Seungkwan and his iridescent laugh, his lovely fingertips, his petal lips, and the thousands of unsaid things between them.

Writing and music made his heart a little bit less heavy, like the tip of his pen didn't dribble ink anymore, but dribbled down his own aches as well, like the melody wasn't just notes anymore, but was also his own heartbeat.

The songs were ridiculously personal, ridiculously Hansol, and certainly wouldn't get accepted into any of their albums either. But he was happy, because they expressed things that Hansol would never say, wouldn't ever _dare_ to say.

Sometimes, at late nights, when stars were shining brightly outside their windows. Hansol would blast those out with highest volume, in hope of Seungkwan hearing it. And even though he had to endure Jihoon's constant threats and Mingyu's nonstop complaints, he was satisfied. Because in the morning, when they accidentally crossed paths in the dorm, Seungkwan would sneak a glare at Hansol. something akin to raw pain and regret in his eyes, and Hansol would laugh, because the older understood, understood how he long for his love.

And that was nearly enough.

—

_Because I am in front of you_

_I am able to smile_

_Everything is alright_

_The thing is,_ Hansol thought, _Seungkwan is beautiful and so is his soul._

Looking almost tenderly at Seungkwan waving to the overjoyed fans, Hansol knew, that the older's soul was _devastatingly beautiful,_ anything but peachy blush and soft roses.

He was dusk and its glorious colors, all bleeding camelia, bubblegum fuchsia and dandelion sunbursts, so mesmerizingly alluring. It sparkled, glimmered, twinkled like the early stars in late afterglow, pulling people in relentlessly, until they couldn't breath, couldn't look away anymore. Yet, it gave equally as it took, basking everyone in shining twilight hues, pretty and warm.

Seungkwan's soul was scintillating, but it was also tired smiles, gangly limbs and exhausted tears, only displayed for the lucky ones, _like Hansol._ Hansol saw Seungkwan's barest, truest form; and he said, confidently, that Seungkwan was still so very lovely.

The keyword was _saw._

Even though Hansol couldn't have Seungkwan close to him anymore, even though he had to watch Seungkwan from afar, he was _fine._ Glittering gold from Seungkwan's stardust was enough for him to smile, anyway.

Hansol could do this again for an another lifetime, as long as Seungkwan was there, with him.

—

_Let's not cry now that we've grown up_

_All the tears I've held back_

_As they all come back_

_From afar_

In the loud chaos of bright noon, nineteen-year-old Hansol sat together with nineteen-year-old-and-a-month Seungkwan, awkward hands trying not to meet.

SEVENTEEN was out drinking in celebration of them turning 20, and Seungcheol, being the caring leader as always, put them in the center of the table, just a few inches away from each other.

 _"Good luck",_ he laughed, _"adulthood is gonna hit you straight in the face soon. This is your final day. Enjoy it as much as you can."_ Then he reached down, hands patting both of Hansol and Seungkwan's hair at the same time, much like the way he always did when they were still trainees.

Hansol grumbled a bit at that, but Seungkwan received the wishes a little too enthusiastically, with a bright smile and a grateful _Thanks, hyung!_

The few glasses of soju they drank didn't have that much effect on Hansol, but sure had some on Seungkwan. The older looked... _different_ , soft and sweet, all doe-eyed, pleasant gaze and hazy smile. Yet, he still tried his best not to to touch Hansol's in any way, despite them sitting so, so close together, despite the few millions unsaid things hanging between them.

 _"Yo, Vern,"_ from the opposite end of the table, Soonyoung slurred, _"You looked like you just got dumped."_ He took a huge sip of beer, and continued, _"I know adulting is hard and shit but at least try to enjoy today, man. Jeonghan-hyung, more soju for the kid, please."_

Jeonghan looked at him, cheshire smile plastered on his pretty face, and gave Hansol another huge glass of soju. _"For my favorite heartbroken dongsaeng,"_ he grinned, _"Good luck dealing with a drunk Seungkwan."_

Hansol took it obediently, and gulped it down, desires and longing burning in his mind. If alcohol could set his craving ablaze, then it could drown his sorrows and aches, too.

But Seungkwan had another plans, it seemed.

More shots of beer and soju and cheap wine were passed to their seats, and Seungkwan drank them all, alcohol visible on cherry-tainted cheeks. His guards were down now, evident in how he clinged dangerously, to Hansol. Their hands were tangled, heads close, almost touching,

 _"Hansol-ah,"_ Seungkwan murmured sweetly, resting his head on Hansol's shoulders. " _I like you."_

 _"What?"_ Hansol repeated, a little dumbstruck.

Seungkwan pouted, crimson lips on display and something in Hansol snapped in half. " _I said, I like you. Chwe Hansol Vernon. Don't you like me too?"_

" _O-of course I do. I... like you Seungkwan. I like you."_ Overwhelmed in emotions, sappy quotes slipping away in a blink, that was the only thing Hansol could think of. No romantic declarations of love, no confessions under the summer stars, just a _I like you_ fueled by liquid courage in the midst of chaos, yet Hansol could felt golden joy filling up all the cracks in his heart, happy tears blurring his vision.

Seungkwan smiled, muttered a small _I knew it_ before slumping in Hansol's arms, a contented smile on his face.

Hansol held Seungkwan's hands, the first time in years, a little tighter.

—

_You're smiling brightly at me_

_I follow you_

_And now I'm smiling all night long_

In the dark red and orange of late dusk, Hansol woke up with a throbbing headache, and Seungkwan's face a few inches away from his own. The older was staring at him, big brown eyes full with something akin to suspicion.

A million questions started to race in Hansol's mind, like _Where was he_ and _Why was he here_ and _Why was Seungkwan sleeping with him_ and _Did they do anything stupid_ and most importantly, _Will Seungkwan punch him in the gut now?_

After a few minutes that felt like centuries, Seungkwan finally opened his mouth, and asked, " _Hansol-ah?"_

 _"Yeah?",_ Hansol croaked out,

 _"About the thing we, uh, did yesterday..."_ The older stumbled a bit on his words, cheeks pink.

 _"Yeah?",_ Hansol repeated, wishing the floor under him would crack open and swallow him whole.

_"I think, I confessed to you, right?"_

Oh.

_Oh._

Something clicked in Hansol, little bits of memories flooded his mind, from the alcohol-flled party to Seungkwan's clinginess to Seungkwan's... _confession._

 _"I think so? Uh. You told me you like me. And I think I carried you to my room,"_ Came Hansol's reply, a reply filled with awkwardness and fear of being rejected, but a reply nonetheless.

 _"So, do you like me? Do you like me back?"_ The older's words were confident, but his hands were shaking and his face was icy pale.

 _"Of course, Seungkwan, of course I like you."_ Love spilled out faster than a falling star, and before he knew it, he said the dreaded confession, after years and years of hiding it, deep in a corner of his soul.

And Seungkwan _smiled_ , iridescent happiness sparkling in his eyes. He laughed, and Hansol laughed, too, when Seungkwan whispered, _You better be._

Their arms were tangled awkwardly when Hansol pulled him in a hug, and their breaths were still filled with the scent of liquor, yet the kiss tasted so heavenly, all burning desires and suppressed feelings. They felt right, so right, the first time in years.

 _Maybe this is love,_ he thought, _maybe it's supposed to be like this. Maybe it's supposed to be Hansol and Seungkwan, together._

* * *

_Fading away_

_Even those past days_

_I still remember them_

_When you look back_

_I will be standing right there_

_For those moments together_

_For us._

In the dark of the night, twenty-two-year-and-eleven-month old Seungkwan and twenty-two-and-ten-month old Hansol lies in bed, comfortable silence draping the both of them.

The song is coming to an end, and Vernon can feel the exhaustion slowly leaving his body. He smiles, and looks at Seungkwan besides him, scrolling through his phone, eyelids a little droopy. The older has came into his room while he was listening, and without a word, climbed into his bed, arms curling around Vernon's body, silently asking for a cuddle. Vernon, of course, happily complies, snuggling in closer, headphones still plugged in.

 _"Boo,"_ Vernon whispers, fingers poking Seungkwan's cheeks, _"Do you remember how we got together?"_

 _"Of course I do,"_ Seungkwan chuckles, hands ruffling Vernon's already messy hair, _"You and me, we were such big idiots back then. Couldn't realize our feelings for each other for years."_

 _"But we are together now, Boo,"_ he says, grinning fondly at his boyfriend, _"And that's what matters."_

 _"Yes, we are",_ the older laughs, _"Now kiss me, boyfriend."_

Their legs are tangled awkwardly when Hansol pulls him in a hug, and their lips are both chapped, yet love tastes sweet on their tongues, all sugar and cotton candy and strawberry marshmallows. They feel happy, so happy, _like this,_ hands intertwined and cheeks hurting from smiling too much.

 _This is love,_ Hansol thinks, _us, together, until the end of the universe._

_All of your words_

_Allow me to stand up again_

_Everything is alright._

**Author's Note:**

> happy new year everyone!
> 
> as always, your comments and criticisms are always welcomed ♡
> 
> scream about verkwan with me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/aprilcotdream)


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